Getting Past No

In order to really raise free people, including myself, it takes a LOT of self-work.  It’s deep work, it’s continuous, and it can be overwhelming. Who knew I had so many personal challenges??  But the steps forward feel so GOOD!

I’ve mentioned that I, and other people in my household that shall not be named, have control issues (and communication challenges) that show up in various ways.  We aren’t abnormal or strange. We were taught that being a good parent meant having your kid under control. And we are some good ass parents because we control the shit out of everything!

What time she wakes up, what time she goes to bed, when she eats, what she eats, what she wears, how her hair is styled, what words she can use (fib instead of lie – why???), what she can watch, how much she can watch, what school she attends, what books are on her bookshelf, and on and on and on.  So giving up that control takes some real mindset shifting. And I want to give it up because quite honestly, controlling other folks is draining af.  However, shifting takes time, and parental control continues to flow a lot more freer than I, or my child, am comfortable with.

Sometimes it looks like a lot of questions when people are just minding their own damn business – “What are you doing? Where are you going? Why are you choosing that thing?” Sometimes it looks like a non-answer or deflection to a question asked – “Hmm. I don’t know.  Let’s talk about it another time.” Most often it looks like a quick and definitive “NO”.  Well… sometimes it’s a soft no with an explanation but it’s still a no.

How can someone be free if they are consistently being blocked from doing things they want to do? 

Part of my own work, which I came to before knowing about unschooling, is constantly observing myself, measuring my responses and asking myself questions. It’s interesting work as I learn more about myself. Sometimes it’s heartbreaking work as I realize that my childhood experiences and traumas are showing up.  My goal is to identify and deal with triggers – things that make me uncomfortable, or even angry – and try to work through whatever is unresolved within myself.  Because, it’s not my kid asking the question that is the problem, it’s my response to it that is limiting her ability to live her best life.  

These are the questions I ask myself whenever I find myself creating resistance to her flow of energy.

Why am I feeling triggered right now with this request or situation?  Why do I want to say “NO”?

• Is it against my personal boundaries?

If it’s going to harm me or put me in emotional danger then no, I don’t have to do it.  There are other loving adults that can also handle her needs.

• Is there an underlying fear that is driving my response?  If so, what is it? 

This is what it usually is. Sometimes it’s an external fear, too many cars driving down our block, it’s too cold outside or it’s too hot outside, I don’t know what you might encounter and I might not be around to help you.  Very often it’s an internal fear of how others might perceive what “we allow” her to do.  You let her ride around the block by herself?  She can just stay up all night long?   When I can actually name my fears, then I can move on to the next question.

• Is there something that I want her to know, or a concern that should be discussed?  How can I be vulnerable in this situation?

If it’s a fear that I can name, I’m trying (whew its hard) to be vulnerable enough to discuss my concerns.  Sometimes that might need a change in the request, but being vulnerable allows both of us to come up with something that gets both of our needs met.  And it builds trust so that the next time, it probably won’t be the same trigger.

• Is it something that can be discussed later after your she gets her needs/request met (and you get yourself together to understand what was really going on)

A lot of time, my mind just doesn’t work that quickly and it might still end up a “No” or an exasperated, “Go ahead” with a deep sigh.  I don’t like that because it makes her feel bad for even asking.  But I’m compassionate with myself.  I don’t get it all right but I’m trying.  But this requires followup after I figure out what the issue was.

Sometimes it’s just that I don’t feel like dealing with that request/need now, because that is going to require time and energy which I might not have at the moment or don’t want to spend on that – which is okay.  We all need to take space for ourselves.  But often, I’m not always giving enough consideration to the fact that there is a need/desire that has been requested.  So if I don’t feel like it, it can be dismissed and then possibly never get done or resolved.   Sometimes I don’t give alternative options or explanations.  The answer is just “No.”  

That’s the privilege of being a parent –  the unearned power to give an unmitigated, unexplained, “NO”.  And that ain’t cool.