Fib or Lie?

I grew up with grandparents that didn’t let you say the word lie. I don’t know when or how they decided that it was a bad word but you could say someone was telling you a lie. Either they told a fib or they were telling stories. My husband was raised the same way too.

So we raised our child the same way.

When she was in kindergarten, I was called up to the school. My daughter was in tears. Her classmates had said she used the f-word. She had tried to explain what fib meant, but none of them, including her Chinese teacher, had ever heard the word. It was kind of traumatic for her – being accused and not being believed, having your parent called knowing they would be upset for the call, feeling aggrieved, and alone. I felt frustrated – this was really a case of cultural context. No one in this school knows that many Black parents tell their kids they can’t use the word lie? No one knows the word fib or can’t look it up?

But more importantly, no one believed my child. And quite honestly, once your child has been in one of these scuffles, even if it’s someone else’s mistake, your child still becomes a problem. It’s one of the many misunderstandings and aggressions that happened to her in school that we, her parents, just pushed through.

So, now we are deschooling and this word comes up again. My daughter told her father he was lying. Ooooh child. He did not appreciate that. Mainly because he wasn’t but also, she isn’t supposed to use the word lie.

It was a good opportunity for me to think about these words and the hold they have over us. Why can’t we call a thing a thing? What respectability politics are we holding when we smooth over someone telling us an untruth with a “nicer” word? Why do we care more about the other person’s feelings about being called out for lying versus the impact of the lie itself? How does that impact our ability to speak truth to power and advocate for ourselves?

That lie thing is hardcore and sealed deep down in us. We, as adults, often consider it rude and disrespectful to point out an untruth to another adult. And it shows up in so many places – like our fight for racial equality. Racism is based on the lie of white supremacy. And what’s the worst thing you can call a white person – a racist, which is basically a liar.

It’s actually deep when you think about it. How can you have freedom if you have been forbidden to point out a lie?

If the goal is for us to build trust, I need to know when my child thinks I’m not telling the truth and vice-versa. That means there is a breakdown in communication. It requires me to be honest, even if it’s not something that will make her happy, and it also requires me to be willing to explain myself and my choices. Many of us don’t really want that level of transparency with our children. But when you really think about it, there’s levels to this ish.

So I think I’m over this lie vs fib stuff. I’ll report back when I have to deal with the word being pointed towards me.