Mighty and I were watching KC Undercover together with the lights off, like a movie theater, when she decided to get a bowl of ice cream. When she came back in the room, she turned the lights on.

I asked, kind of whiny, why she turned off the lights. I was already comfortable and the lights were super bright. They were disturbing my watching experience.

She said she wanted the lights on so she could see her food. Of course, in my mind, she don’t NEED the lights on to see ice cream, so I told her to turn them off.

She said, more forcefully, no, I want them on.

The room fell silent.

She turned to me and asked, “Is it okay if I say no?”

I nodded yes. I didn’t trust myself to speak.

Keep breathing. That’s me. I’m breathing.

There is something that happens internally when your child tells you no, so I had to do a self-assessment. You okay? I asked myself. Your body still intact? Is her body still intact?

I was checking my feelings. Explaining to myself that my desire to have the lights off was no more important than her wanting the lights on. I really didn’t feel disrespected. I felt like I SHOULD feel disrespected. You dig?

There is a notion about respect that we feel we need to adhere to. And a child telling you no is considered one of the highest forms of disrespect. I’m sure if my partner was there, he would have looked at me like…so what you gonna do?

And there are so many ways that we BOTH can get better at being considerate in our movements. She could have asked if I minded her turning the lights on. But real talk – she got the way she moved honest. How many times have I come into a room and turned the lights on, or turned on the TV, or came in talking on the phone, when she was already there doing something else? When your child does it to you, then you start to see how inconsiderate it can feel.

But about this “no” tho. It’s real uncomfortable. But where does she practice saying no, get comfortable and confident in her autonomy, and have an expectation of being heard, if it’s not at home? I need her to have this skill. It’s a skill I really didn’t learn until I got waaaay older. A

nd I also need to practice hearing and respecting the no. It can’t always be my way. I have to learn how to discuss the no and get to a place of resolution that works for both of us. And as she gets older, those no’s are going to come fast and furious. Clearly, it’s starting already.

#deschooling #deschoolingoutloud #unschooling